This is part three of my continuing saga of how I found the Gods and my path. Find part two here if you missed it.
Be aware that this section does discuss in detail an attempted suicide. If this is a trigger for you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, please continue to part four now. I felt that discussing this moment would provide comfort to others by showing them they are not alone, and that suicide is not the answer. We all have a part to play in the world even if we don’t see it yet.
Freya became my fultrui, the one deity I prayed to religiously. Where I saw Thor as my brother and the Norns my sisters, Freya was my Queen. I studied Her myths, Her talents and set out to become a priestess to Her. It was through studying Her, accepting that my path lay with the Norse ways, that I found a community of divine beings that had been waiting for me to reach out and contact Them.
I had finally found my home. In the earthly realm this development in my spiritual life resulted is some profound changes in my life. Cultivating a relationship with the Norse Gods has a tendency to shake up your life. The Norse Gods are “all or nothing” Gods, you give Them your total devotion and in return They give you your deepest desires or at least the power to attain them. You give Them nothing, you will receive nothing. You ignore Their requests or Their guidance and you will quickly learn not to do it again.
After finding Freya, the old fears that I was making a mistake by being on this path reared their ugly head again. In my crisis of faith I backed away from the calling I had received. Don’t do that. You only prolong the inevitable and incur punishments. For me, I denied who I was, my true self, and as a result was haunted by nightmares so awful that I couldn’t sleep.
In a time of sleep deprivation, my parents denied me my autonomy and told me that I wasn’t going to be allowed to move out even though I was 18 years of age. They called me a drug addict, a liar, irresponsible, dumb, foolish and more terrible things. In those horrific weeks I began to understand that they were not just controlling, but abusive and had been all my life. And they would do everything they could to keep me under their control.
They thought I was lying about my nightmares, they thought the bags under my eyes and sluggish thought was from drugs, they thought the absolute worst of me. The truth was that I was getting only four hours of sleep a night, my friends, knowing my sleep was often interrupted, knew to call me if they had been drinking or using other substances so that I could act as their designated driver. While my parents were calling me a drug addict and irresponsible, I was offering a safe ride home for my friends no matter what time of day or night. That is not a joke.
Knowing the truth, I tried to explain my actions and was called a liar in return. Things got progressively worse over the course of one month. In the end, I saw no solution but to end my life. I was driven to a point where I understood that if I was living under my family’s control I would never be allowed to be myself. I would never be able to fulfill my calling. The only way out in my sleep deprived mind was to free myself from this world.
I waited until my parents were at work and my sister was at her friend’s house. I wrote a note with directions on what to do with my remains, filled out a death certificate, laid out my favorite wool work skirt suit, loaded a .22 semi-automatic my parents had taught me to fire two years earlier, and then I climbed into the shower of the bathroom I shared with my sister. I pressed the gun to my temple and pulled the trigger.
I had forgotten the safety.
I began crying uncontrollably. What had I done? What was I thinking? My despair brought clarity and the Goddess. I saw Her before me, a ghostly visage whose delicate hands cupped my face and told me I had so much to do. She told me to trust Her, to put my faith in Her. As She faded away so did my brain fog.
Now that we’ve gone through the darkness, let us begin our return to the light. Part four can be found here.
If for any reason you find yourself in a place of darkness and see no way out, please call this number 1-800-273-8255 and talk to someone. You are never completely alone. I love you and you matter. Ask for help before it’s too late.